i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
