Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
