She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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