Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize