The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
