My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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