My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
