Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
