I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia