I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
