Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
