Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
