see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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