Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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