Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
