ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
