omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
