Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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