I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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