Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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