Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
