Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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