The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
