My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
