she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I understand Curling. That high.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
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My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
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Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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