I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
