I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
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I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
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I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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