Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
