i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
