ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
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I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
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Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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