found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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