I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
