WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
