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He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
