By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
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