So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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