a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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