i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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