the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
