I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
