Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
