I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
