we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
