i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Randomize
