My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
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you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
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He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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