And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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