I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
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Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
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I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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