Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
