Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
