You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
