I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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