so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
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he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
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I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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