so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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